Posted by: markfender | April 16, 2013

Durst is the Worst

I just learned that Limp Bizkit is going to be in my area performing soon.

LimpBizkitWhich reminds me of how much I hate Fred Durst. Now, I have a high tolerance for pop music. Ke$ha is insipid garbage, but, hey, you can dance to it so whatever. Likewise with Limp Bizkit. I can’t say I ever liked much of their music, but it’s not as dumb as ICP’s so whatever. And I happen to like “Break Stuff.” So, yes, their music is terrible, but that’s not really what I have a problem with. It’s Fred Durst. Personally.

Witness his behavior at the VMAs in 1999. They’re onstage with Heather Locklear presenting Best New Shiny (or whatever awards the VMAs give out) for some reason. And Fred Durst stops reading from the teleprompter long enough to say to the audience “Hey, Heather Locklear has great tits.” Listen, you ogling troglodyte (<–the name of my Limp Bizkit cover band), that pick up line is not going to work. The only chance that has to work is if you’re both really drunk at the afterparty, you’ve got her backed up against a wall with your arm blocking her exit, and she’s fearing for her safety. And even then I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be consensual. We all know Heather Locklear has great tits – that’s why we made her famous. But society doesn’t work if you just blurt that stuff out. Learn some social decorum.

At that same event, the band is on-stage accepting their award for Best New Distraction The Kids Will Spend All Their Money On and a member of Rage Against the Machine decides to climb up on top of the stage dressings behind them because of Africa or Guatemala or wherever. Of course, the band turns around to look at the commotion behind them. Fred Durst’s first words? “Jump.” Not “Oh shit, my enemies have finally come to kill me” or “Somebody call the cops” but “Jump.” I’m not buying your remorse over destroying Woodstock, Durst. At all.

Finally, there’s that Staind song “Outside” which Durst manages to ruin. The Live Family Values version was played for months and months on the radio before Staind released a “real” version on their album. And this live version features Durst performing harmony on the chorus. “Outside” is a fairly emotional song with Aaron Lewis practically crying through the lyrics. So, what does Durst do? Ruin it, obviously. By talking to the audience throughout the acoustic parts. “Feelin’ those lighters.” Listen, you emotionally stunted idiot, everyone was holding up those lighters as a silent tribute (back before everyone just held up their cellphones). We don’t need your fucking comments – you’re ruining the emotional impact of the song. Because you don’t understand human emotions.

I sometimes wonder if Wes Borland (he of the monster makeup) dresses like that so as to appear to be a different species than Durst. His solo career didn’t work out so well (even though it’s far more inventive than anything Limp Bizkit has ever produced) so he has to hang out with his meal ticket. But, hey, at least Chris Brown isn’t in the band.

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