Posted by: markfender | December 30, 2015

Merry Fucking Christmas

Let me tell you about my shitty fucking Christmas.

tumblr_mfcuo4HZIg1qkxrtro1_1280After arriving at the airport bright and early on a Wednesday morning, I queue up at the automated ticket thingie to get boarding passes. This requires far too much time, as the people in front of me were incapable of operating electronic devices. They stood in front of the machine, lost. The helpful airline personnel kept staring at them and saying helpful things like “That machine isn’t printing any boarding passes.” After the third time of this repeat behavior from the employees (and after the guy in front of me tried to help the poor, disenfranchised old people who are lost in our modern touchscreen world), I yelled at the employee, “Well then, why don’t you do your job and help them?” This eventually triggered some action. Merry Christmas to you too, United Airlines’ shitty customer service.

After printing my boarding passes (because I’m capable of operating an electronic device) and going through security (Merry Christmas to you too, fucking terrorists), I discover my flight to O’Hare has been delayed two hours. Since I’m connecting in O’Hare, I kinda need to get on a plane at some point. I am assured by United that a backup plane is on its way from Denver and should be here in an hour (I don’t question that it takes a plane the same amount of time to fly as it does to drive because I assume air traffic control is inefficient).

Meanwhile, hundreds of phone messages are received by everyone waiting, updating them on the status of the delayed flight. I was getting updates on delays before the airline employees were, which seems a bit backwards. Eventually, it is revealed that the plane from Denver has developed engine trouble and won’t be flying to O’Hare. The next flight out is in six hours. Merry Christmas to you too, United Airlines’ shitty planes.

This obviously means I’m going to miss my connection in O’Hare, so I head to the customer service desk to get rerouted. And, of course, there’s one whole other flight from O’Hare to my final destination that leaves from O’Hare exactly 12 hours from the current time…and it’s standby only. After searching for alternate flight paths that are also all standby only, I finally decide that this Christmas trip isn’t happening at all and ask for my money back. I mean, I suppose I could sit in O’Hare all fucking night and be aggravated, or I could just go home and sleep in my own bed.

So, yeah, I spent Christmas in my apartment with no food (because I’d planned to be out of town, obviously) and no presents (still waiting at my final destination). Happy holidays!

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